A family is a social unit usually living together and has lifetime commitments to each other. A family is one which God brought together to encourage and build each other up in love. Somehow i never really experienced a complete blood-related family for the very reason of my practically non-existent father.

A father is a man who begets and nurtures a child. A father is somehow who plays an essential role in building the child. But his presence perhaps could be done without.

With a typical family with few problems and supposedly close ties, many would be envious. But they will never really understand how it feels to live without the breadwinner in the household.

From young, i never really experienced a father's love. A father who would return home and ask about your day. A father who would be interested in your life. A father i never had.

Whenever i am happy, my father's never around to share that joy. Whenever i feel depressed, he's far away. Whenever i achieve something, he's always too busy to turn up. Whenever it's parent teacher's meeting, my mum would end up coming alone. Never did once did he go to see my teachers. Maybe he signed my report book in primary school once or maybe, twice. But is that really enough? During special occasions, when i finally get to see him, he has to leave early. It just seems like he never has time for me. It just seems his "work" and temple is more important than his family.

I longed for his presence. I longed for his love. In primary school, when they asked you to talk about your family or draw a family portrait, i really had no idea how to describe a father. For the very reason, he was never around to show me what a father is.

Perhaps in the past, i was foolish to get upset about him leaving early for any occasion. Perhaps i was just too ignorant about anything until recently. Perhaps i should have never miss him. Because all that i did in the past just caused me to wallow in self pity.

As the saying goes "distance makes the heart grow fonder," but somehow it just didn't work for me. Instead the desire for his presence soon turned to the desire of his absence.

From desire to hostility, this is what he did to me. And now, I can't even hold a short conversation with him! I get all frustrated even on the phone when he asked me to do something for him. Perhaps i am just too immature to handle this. Perhaps he was never there to teach me to handle all this.

Because of him, i never dared to love someone too much because i was afraid i would be hurt again. Because of him, he made me hate him. Because of him, i never got to experience a proper and complete family.

But on a contrast, he made me realise how blessed i am. He showed me how wonderful my mother was. He showed me how much my mother suffered. He showed me how much my siblings did to try to fill up his absence. He showed me that my brother felt the same way and perhaps even worse towards my father. He let me realise how fantastic my family was. I thank God because he allowed me to go to church at the age of 7 and finally enabled me to experience a whole new body of Christ and a Father's love. My Heavenly Father taught me everything and nurtured me.

He loved me when i was so unlovely. He sought me when i was lost. He showed me how much He really loved me when He bought me at the highest cost. He gave up his life for me and he taught me everything in life. Thank God for there's no greater love than this.

Still, i give thanks for my father. Because after all, he is my father. For many years i prayed for him, i stumbled and gave up. But i guess it's time to persevere and pray again. For my heavenly father taught me to honour my father and mother. And i'll try one more time until he knows.

if only he knew
and the tears slowly fell again